I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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