because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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