i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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