mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
