i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
