you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
