OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
