your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
