can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
