I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
