Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she peed on how many people?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
