I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
