he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
