I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had to cum in my sink.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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