Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
