Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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