Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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