i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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