he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish I only lived at night.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
