please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
