I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
