I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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