Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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