I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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