My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
