i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
