I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
