I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
