new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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