I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
