she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just found puke in my bra..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
