I looked at my own cervix.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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