Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
