I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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