It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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