Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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