You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
