I want to have your abortion
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
