Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
