I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
50% drunk capacity currently
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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