I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
