I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
