Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
