What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
