i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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