remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
