I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
