im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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