I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't deserve a penis
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
