I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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