You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
