I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
