omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
