I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's blow job season.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
