Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
