I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
