did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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