I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
