She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
As shirtless as possible
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
