just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
