im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
