he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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